impasse

I’m in a moral quandary as of late, when my brother came over to visit the other week he informed me that “Good Eats” on the Food Network  is the best show on modern American television. Normally, I respect my brother’s views and opinions, but Ithink that this time he really has flipped his wig. Now I have seen several episodes of “Good Eats” and let me tell you, that show is nowhere close to being the best show on modern American television. (Though Ihave to admit that being the best show on modern American television is like saying you are the world’s tallest midget. I mean, who really cares about such things?)

The quandary is this: should I keep my mouth shut or tell my brother I think that he’s fucking insane for believing such foolishness about “Good Eats?” If he was a stranger off the street I would have no problem telling him off, but as they say, blood is thicker than water. Hmmm.

jareddriskill

duck and priest

Seeing how it is SO hot outside today that I don’t feel like thinking up something funny to write tonight, I’ve decided that we shall go take another peek inside the pages of my sketchbook. (Which, at the moment, it is busy being currently used for it’s intended purpose as a door stop.)

This piece is entitled “duck and priest.” The idea of this sketch came about during a drunken conversation I had with a friend a few weeks back and  during the course of this conversation, I attempted to come up with a lpunchline to a joke which begins with the premise ” So a duck and a priest enter a bar…” As we all know, it is impossible to come up with a decent punchline to this joke despite the fact that the set up is brilliant.  However, trying to come up with a punchline to this premise is an excellent way to kill time when you are too drunk to get behind the wheel and go to the safety of your home.

As usual, there are at least 37 different fundamental artistic errors in this sketch. Can you find them all?

jareddriskill

mayonnaise emergency

I don’t know about you, but it’s hard to fathom the notion where you are in an emergency situation in which only a jar of mayonnaise can save the day. In a normal world, people go about their lives living care free lifestyles where they wouldn’t have to worry about being stuck in one of those everyday ”mayonnaise free” emergencies. I now have to assume that we don’t live in a “normal world” because I had an encounter with a customer at my second job today who was in that dire predicament! 

It’s hard to speculate why this customer was in such a frenzy for an jar of mayonnaise that she had to grab me by the shoulders, shaking me hard shouting: “Quick, where’s the mayonnaise?! It’s an emergency!” But hey, it IS retail…

And yes, if I were a better comedy writer, I could easily conjure up for you an humorous scenario where only a jar of mayonnaise could save the day and you would just laugh and laugh at my cleverness and sharp wit. But alas, I’m a only a mediocre comedic talent. Please forgive me.

jareddriskill

random item tuesdays

1. I knew it was a matter of time, but my boss at my second job wants to promote me. Let me fill you, the faithful reading several, in on jareddriskill’s secret to get promoted at any job within a few short weeks after getting hired. The secret is this: just simply show up on time everyday (yes, everyday and not just when you “feel like it”) and once on the clock, you do what is required of you. You’d be surprised at the multitudes who do not do these two simple things when they show up at their places of employment.

You may not be the ”most knowledgeable” or the “hardest worker” on staff ( lord knows that those two compliments do not apply to me!) but if you show up on time everyday and do what is simply required of you, your boss will forget your flaws and automatically assume that you are the best worker that he (or she) has on staff and you will be promoted lickity split.

Now, there will be critics out there who will tell you that you are a “sell out” or “an uncle tom” if you do these two simple things, but give it enough time and you will be bossing those naysayers around soon enough. Remember this when you are being taunted: Karma can be a motherfucker.

2. Oh, in case you are wondering, I am not going to take the promotion because I still will make WAY more money working at my regular full time job. I may be flattered to be asked, but I am not foolish! (Despite what some of my long time readers may already think to the contrary.)

3. I am no sociologist, but I have come up with a new strata of socio-economic status called “the Nouveau Poor.” It describes the former middle class who have been affected by the recent downturn in the economy, lousy housing market, the rise in gas prices, ect and now instead of “trying to keep up with the jones” and living beyond their means the “Nouveau Poor” have to get rid of their SUVs, cut back on spending at the Apple Computer store and actually *gasp!* budget their money for a change. (Oh, the tragedy of it all!)

So when CNN makes their obligatory news report of the “Nouveau Poor” and how “tragic” it is that the former middle class has to live within their means for a change, just remember that you heard the term here first. Unless, of course, George Bush approves the housing bail out bill that congress has recently passed and the Nouveau Poor will cease to exist before they have a chance to exist…

jareddriskill

dreamlog #49

I dreamt that my younger brother was back in town and he reading an old issue of Captain America that I had happening to be laying around my my dream bedroom. After reading the comic book my brother has some sort of psyhcotic breakdown and begins to think that he is Captain America, but he was brainwashed into thinking he was my brother by the villainous Red Skull. That’s not all, mind you, that in a “few minutes” my brother and the Red Skull were going to have fight in my bedroom. I totally dismissed my brother and went to take a nap leaving him to his delusion.

I woke up a few minutes later and my brother and The Red Skull himself (!) were sitting in my bedroom having a chat. The Red Skull was trying to convince my brother that he was not Captain America because Captain America is dead and he has been dead since issue 25. I backed up the Red Skull and said that was true because I happen to own the issue where Captan America gets killed. (Which was a lie, I just wanted my brother to stop thinking that he was Captain America. Besides, if my brother was a superhero, he would be one of those super heros whose powers inculdes being super smart like Iron Man or Mister Fantastic.) After everything got straightened out, the Red Skull hung out with my brother and I for awhile and he seemed like a pretty cool, though severely misunderstood, dude.

jareddriskill

the verve “love is noise”

The Verve/ Love Is Noise (single)/ On Your Own Records 2008

My life may be chaotic in many areas, but on the musical front, I have been a happy camper for the past year or so because several of my favorite early 1990’s shoegazer bands have decided to reunite and rock my world once again!  But, The Verve are the first of those recently reunited bands (My Bloody Valentine, Swervedriver, et al) to release brand new material out on the market place!

My expectations for The Verve reunion were actually quite low because back in 1997 ( choke!) when the group released their mainstream hit album, Urban Hymns, I had accepted the fact that they were no longer the band to come to when I needed some dark, majesticsounding, drug induced mindfuck jams (see their first two albums: “A Storm In Heaven and “A Northern Soul”) and they suddenly became a band to come to when I needed some dark, majestic sounding, drug induced mindfuck pop songs instead. My thought at the time was “why bother?” My needs for a dark, majestic sounding, drug induced mindfuck pop song band were already being handled by Radiohead. (Of course, back in 1997, Radiohead were actually still quite a decent band.)

But now, The Verve have reformed and is their comeback single worth all the effort on their part and the excitement on mine? The answer is maybe. “Love Is Noise” is not terrible song, per se, but then again, it isn’t exactly setting my world on fire either. However, based on this single, it does sound like that The Verve didn’t go back in the studio to record “Urban Hymns part 2,” which is good. I can’t wait to hear what sonic treasures (or trash, depending on the end result) await when the full length finally hits the streets!

-jareddriskill

On a side note, I have to say that buying singles in this modern, itunes era of recording history is slightly disappointing. Because back in the day when you bought a single, you usually got a b-side (or two) of some sort which gave you more bang for your buck. (Or your 99 cents, as with the case with itunes.) Not to complain too much, but all I got with my 99 cents was one okay A-side and some single artwork ( see image above) which looked like a rejected image from the liner notes of The 2002 McAlmont and Butler album, “Bring It Back” but with a picture of The Verve instead of McAlmont and Butler. Oh well.

overtime

Let me post this hypothetical question to you, my faithful reading several. Is it wrong to complain about working over time at work not because you are particularly busy or anything, but because your boss is so disorganized, even though he has owned the same business for 30 years, that you end up spending anywhere from 30 minutes to 4 hours a day standing around waiting for you boss to send you to the job site that you need to go to for that day?

I have had people who tell me after I lodge this particular complaint to them, that if I am getting paid an hourly wage standing around doing nothing, that I shouldn’t complain at all and that I should just sit back and collect the paycheck. Now, I don’t mind getting paid to stand around and do nothing, don’t get me wrong, but I am the type of person who rather get his work done first and then relax, instead of relaxing first and then having to rush to get things done in a very short amount of time. This logic makes perfect sense to me, but not to other people for some mysterious reason.

This scenario also reminds me of some of my classmates at school who always claim that they do their assignments better if they are under pressure as a legitimate excuse to procrastinate till the last minute. Me, on the other hand, I rather get started on that 15 page paper the day it is assigned rather than putting it off and waiting to get started on it the night before it is due. For me, working under pressure only produces sloppy work, which why I suppose I get straight A’s while my “under pressure, better performer” classmates struggle to get by.

jareddriskill

random item tuesday

1. Sorry for the lack of posts for the past several days, my faithful reading several, it seemed that alot of major events had sprung up at me over the past several days and it just couldn’t have been avoided. But things have seemed to have calmed down, which means I will get back to posting my poorly written wares on a regular basis starting today. Though I believe that this piece of news will severely disappoint my critics, but they will just have to get over it.

2. I recently discovered a WW2 era Donald Duck cartoon on Youtube where Donald Duck becomes a Nazi. If you doubt me, go take a look at it for yourself here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yj2In4HUwEk

You know that scene where Donald gets frustrated while being forced to work on the assembly line at the munitions factory reminds me of that “classic: episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy is forced to work at an assemblyline gone berserk at a chocolate factory or something. And let me add, that episode of I Love Lucy was made some ten years after this Donald Duck cartoon was made!

3. While I am on the topic, I must say that I have never understood why “I Love Lucy” is considered to be one of the greatest tv comedies ever made. Every episode I have seen involves Lucy doing something stupid and then she whines about it when she gets caught. That seems more annoying than hilarious to me. But what do I know?

4. Today was another “everyone who drives a white colored vehicle must drive like a fucking lunatic” day. I have a theory that the UV rays from the sun that are being reflected off the white paint job of the vehicle must warp the drivers perception in some sort of severe way. It is the only explanation that I can come up with for this phenomenon that makes any sense.

Either that or there is a secret anarchist society that only people who drive white vehicles are allowed to join.

jareddriskill

be positive! say yes! part 5

Yes, we are all alone in the universe!

 

Yes! I’m only a satanist because deep down inside I’m still a scared little boy. Help me mommy… er, I mean hail satan!

dreamlog #48

I dreamt I was back at my grandfathers house with my vehicle and he gets all pissed off at me because he said he “put in over $20,000″ in my vehicle and he was going to take to away from me because I won’t let him drive it. I tell him that he must be insane because my vehicle didn’t even cost $20,000 when it was new and besides, I had bought it myself long after I had seen him last.

My grandfather gets all mad and tries to hotwire my vehicle and my family is telling me that I should let it slide because he’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about and how I should just let him take my vehicle for a drive because “it won’t hurt anything.” I say fuck no because if he’s that senile he shouldn’t be driving anyways, and so I call the police on him. Things just get messier from there…

jareddriskill