dreamlog #46

I am attending a college class in an auditorium that holds something like 10,000 people. It takes 2 hours just to collect the homework. In fact, that’s what they were doing when the nervous looking student next to me begins to panic about having not done his homework. I tell him that to not worry because we were sitting towards the back and it should take about, say, 90 minutes or so for one of the many students aides to come up in our section and gather our homework, so he had plenty of time to do his homework before it is collected. The student sitting next to me is relieved and proceeds to start on his homework, which take him about 5 minutes to finish.

In the meanwhile, I decided to walk up to front to see the professor of this, apparently, very popular class. As I walk closer to the front of the auditorium, I noticed that the professor is not human at all but is actually one of those large super computer that you see in stock footage from the 1960’s complete with reel to reel magnetic tapes and keypunch card operators. I also then realized that I was in the wrong class room, a quick look at my syllabus back at my seat confirmed this.

jareddriskill

week 25

I was all set to review this weeks episode “of the hippest trip in town” and when 2 o’clock rolled around WGN, in their infinite programming wisdom, decided to play “Jurassic Park” during The Best Of Soul Train’s time slot. (While we are on the subject, I must let it be known that I am the only person on the planet who has not seen “Jurassic Park.” I refuse to watch that movie primarily  on the basis that the film featured Wayne Knight, the fat, unlikeable Newman from Seinfeld, was typecast as yet another fat, unlikeable character.)

Dejected that there was not an episode of The Best Of Soul Train being aired, I mentally came up with a plot idea for a movie that I rather see instead of “Jurassic Park.” My idea is a cross between the documentary “Super Size Me” and the late 70’s classic comedy, “Animal House” called “Slaughter House.” Which about the somewhat amusing hijinks of the fictional worst fraternity (“Slaughter House” of the title) at the real life McDonald’s owned Hamburger University.

“Slaughter House” works on two intellectual levels: First, you have the sophomoric low brow comedy of the fraternity getting “even” over some imagined slight with the uptight Dean of Hamburger University. Secondly, you have the expose style journalism that educates the public about the dubious business practices of the american fast food industry. (Hell, if one is clever enough you can fuse the two intellectual levels together seamlessly and no one would notice.)

Let’s greenlight this baby! Have your people call my people.

jareddriskill

class war #3

This is idea number three for my fictional fashion ad campaign called “class war.” However, this was the first image that came to my mind when I first came up with the faux campaign. This one is entitled “cufflinks by Hermes.”

Yes, I do realize now that I drew the fingers too stubby looking, but I can still count 12 other fundamental artistic errors in this drawing. Can you find them all?

jareddriskill

internet woes

Still without internet at my house and I am working hard to get it resolved shortly. Please stay vigilant my faithful reading several!

jareddriskill

week 24

Sorry about the delay in this post about this week’ s episode of the Best of Soul Train but, WGN just had to play some boring ass baseball game that went long and then they had to play some excruciatingly long post game report which repeated the same the boring ass clips over and over again. ( Seriously, what kind of person, besides those with brain damage, is into baseball?) By 4:30pm, there was no sign nor hope of Soul Train ever being played on WGN, so we never know what this weeks episode, featuring Joe Simon and Cheryl Lynn, would be about.

Of course, after I had given up on there being an episode of Soul Train this week, the internet goes out at my house! As the saying goes, “more money, more problems…”

jareddriskill

the book of death dreams

More inspired madness from my feverish imagination. This idea came from the fact that I had recently spent several hours in a book store and not finding anything remotely interesting to read on shelves. While I was walking out of the store dejectedly to my vehicle, the phrase “The Book of Death Dreams” popped into my head. “The Book of Death Dreams,” hmmm… now that’s a book I would buy in a heartbeat if I saw it on the shelves!

Of course, to my knowledge, no such book exists in real life. So on the drive home, I began to imagine what a book entitled “The Book of Death Dreams” would be like. Then I began to remember all the dreams (both day dreams and REM sleep induced dreams) that I had ever had where either I died, met some one I knew for a fact were dead in real life, or those crazy fucked up dreams where other people I know died. Hey, maybe I should start writing this book for real! I mean, the hard work is already done. (For those of my faithful reading several who read my dreamlog on this website, you already know that I have some fucked up, interesting dreams. You guys should see the ones I don’t end up posting!)

I also came up with the basic design for the cover, which is the hastily drawn illustration posted above, on the drive home. It’s a picture of me asleep on my bed ( yes, I DO make dramatic hand gestures in my sleep. Want to make something of it?) while the spectre of death and his icy cold outstreched finger floats above me…

jareddriskill

please, no flash photography!

Every once in awhile, I get a random idea that I end up drawing in my sketchbook. This piece entitled “please, no flash photography!” came from the silly idea that I had of Dracula walking out of his favorite night spot, the local blood bank, where a group of celebrity paparazzi photographers are waiting for him to make his exit hoping for a great “money shot” of Dracula with some AB Negative blood dribbling down his chin.

As always, I see 17 different fundamental artistic errors in this drawing. Can you find them all?

jareddriskill

judi dench makeover

The other day, I received the latest (Summer 2008, if you must know) edition of The BBC America Shop catalog with Dame Judi Dench on the cover promoting the DVD release ofthe miniseries, “Cranford.” Whilst staring at the cover, I noticed that something was amiss with Ms Dench, take a look for yourself and see what I mean:

Yes! Some clever fool had drawn a moustache and soul patch on Judi Dench on the cover of my catalog before I had the chance to do the very same act myself! I must say that the recent ill-intended facial hair additions are an improvement on her already long faded looks. I think she should apply this look in real life.

Also, doesn’t the picture of Sir Michael Gambon in the background make him look like he’s severely constipated? My prescription for his apparent prognosis? Eat a large box of prunes and think of England while sitting on the toilet.

jareddriskill

random item tuesdays

1. Happy belated father’s day to all you fathers out there among my faithful reading several. Not that I ever want to experience the “joys” (such as they were) of fatherhood for myself. I’m just too selfish of a person too ever want to have kids of my own. Being the second oldest out of seven children and having to take care of all my younger siblings will do that to a person.

2. Also, I don’t know about you, but the sound of children’s voices just make me want to kill, Kill, KILL!

3. A funny thing happened at my second job monday afternoon. For those of you who don’t know, my second job is in a retail location where shoplifting is rampant. Last Saturday, I had caught a man shoplifting and called the cops on his sorry ass. Monday afternoon, the shoplifter’s cousin came into the store apologizing for the actions of his thieving piece of human shit cousin. (As if apologizing to me was going to magically let his cousin out of jail.)

Not that I give a flying fuck about the man’s cousin either way, but the person doing the apologizing didn’t paint a very positive picture of him stating such potential heart string tuggers as: “he always loved living the thug lifestyle,” “he’s a life long drug abuser,” and my favorite, “(my cousin) never once has shown any remorse for his criminal behavior.” (!?!?!)

What a fine character witness he would make for his cousins upcoming trial!

jareddriskill

night club

I went to a night club for the first time last night ( how/why they let me through their doors is beyond my limited understanding, maybe because I came along with a date?!?!) and the above picture explains my experience. 8 dollar cokes (I was the designated driver) and permanent eye damage caused by strobe lights.

The doorman made me tuck my shirt in to enter, which I suppose was for security reasons because it sure as hell wasn’t because they wanted to run a “classy” operation. Because nothing says “class” than watching 50 year old men trying to pick up uninterested girls more than half their age. Good thing I had a date with me because I would hate to lower my standards and become like those sorry losers in the game of life. But then again, by looking at the quality of woman that was in attendance last night, I don’t know why those men even bothered in such a futile exercise in the first place.

The music was loud, but the DJ was horrible at picking song selections based on the reactions of the crowd. 70’s-80’s R&B seemed to get the people moving out on the dance floor but the DJ would kill the mood by playing long stretches of modern dance/pop to which no wanted to stay on the dance floor for. I’m no expert on club culture by any means, but I thought it was the DJ’s job to keep the people moving on the dance floor. I suppose that the DJ somehow thought that was the job of the outrageously high drink prices at the bar…

Also, here’s a note to myself: the next time, if there ever is an next time, that I go to a night club, make sure I master some more dance moves before hand other than the one that I call the “malfunctioning autistic robot.” It looks just as bad as it sounds.

Other than all that, I had a decent time last night.

jareddriskill