My “Larry The Cable Guy” story

There is no need to bow down to my greatness, but I, your hero, has stuck a mighty blow to one of life’s mortal enemies for you, the intellectual underdog. I was walking home from campus earlier today on the path that takes me right behind the Landmark theater here in Richmond, Virginia. Behind the theater was a huge bus that had Larry The Cable Guy plastered all over the sides and next to the bus in the parking lot was Larry himself with a couple of his flunkies tossing around a baseball.

I stopped and shouted “Larry!” He turned around and I then said “You fucking suck!” He just stood there as if he gets told that all the time and that he already knows that he’s a piece of human shit who does nothing but cater to the lowest, basest common denominator. I then walked away, knowing that my job was done.

So if you hear on the news that Larry The Cable guy has comitted suicide in the next few weeks, who know who to blame.

jareddriskill

take to the streets

Just sitting on my front porch and I have been noticing that alot of people are taking their dogs out for drives in their cars now that the weather is sorta nice. How come they always take Rufus the dog, but not Timmy Bacon, the kitty cat or Mr. Pirate Pants. the gold fish ( Arr! Mr. Pirate Pants!) out for a drive? Dogs can do enough on their own, like eating their own vomit, without you having to go out your way entertain them.

Yes, I do think about this sort of thing all the time.

jareddriskill

week 2

I drank a whole bottle of Wild Irish Rose ( Red) right before watching the show because nothing drowns out the sorrows of the loneliness of staying at home on Saturday nights quite like a bottle of cheap hobo wine and watching the Best of Soul Train in your bed room. So let’s take a ride on the hippest trip in town, we don’t we?

This week we have another late 1970’s disco era episode of Soul Train. I’m beginning to see the appeal of what disco was about, every one was dancing and had a big smile on their face. Or was it all the drugs they were consuming?

Speaking of drugs, I noticed that there were alot of synchronized dancing going on with the Soul Train dancers in this episode. Imagine packs of 5-7 people doing the exact same robotic, herky jerky dance steps. Odd. Another odd thing about this episode was that they played nothing but the most obscure tracks from all the big names. Earth Wind and Fire “Serpentine Fire,” Stevie Wonder “As,” plus a live version of “Brick House” by the Commodores that I never knew existed.

This weeks musical guests were:

Sister Sledge: First song “Baby, it’s the Rain” was really beautiful ballad. Their second song was the disco era “Ain’t no Mountain High Enough” called “I’ll belong… something something.” The notes I took are slightly illegible, sorry. However, it turns out from a quick internet search, that their first two albums on which I believe that these two songs are from, are out of print and therefore lost to the sands of time. (Aka: no infomation can be found about them like say, you know, the track listings.)

Brick: First song “Dusic” (Dance+music. Hey, I didn’t make it up!) which sounded like a rejected version of the old “What’s Happening?” tv theme song. Fuck yeah! Me like so much! I wonder why these guys never took off? Oh, nevermind. Here comes a flute solo. Second song: “Ain’t Going to Hurt Nobody to Get on Down” which features no flute solo, thank god. Third song: a falsetto vocaled mid paced rocker where the chorus goes “feeling happy, so happy” Damn it, there goes another flute solo.

Soul Train Scramble Board answer: James Harris! Yes, I have no clue who he is/was either. Why don’t you google him and find out?

The Soul Train Line dance: it was a funk number with samples of people talking at a party on it. I want to say it was a Funkadelic song based on some of the “space age” lyrics. The chorus went “Outta sight/ it’s on!”

The Don Cornelius interview gaff of the week: Don actually did a half way decent job for once this week: he didn’t inadvertently insult or intimidated the guests like he usually does. However he was interviewing Sister Sledge and they were talking about how they had another sister who isn’t in the group, but you know, she’s a really good dancer. Don Cornelius then interjects with ”Just like me, eh?” It was totally awkward. The members of Sister Sledge looked at the floor and scratched their heads from that point on.

Until next time on these same stations, you can bet your bottom money that jareddriskill will drink another bottle of Wild Irish Rose, honey. Love, peace and soul!

 jareddriskill

“I would’ve settled with any track off the “dehumanizer” album”

Brown Sabbath

April 27,2007

Cary Street Cafe, Richmond, Va

Found out about this show at the last minute from my room mates, and as always, we arrived early for a show that started late. The Carry Street Cafe is a small hippie bar with Jerry Garcia/Grateful Dead posters on the walls. My instinctual punk rock sensibilities were on the defensive because us punkers hate us some hippies. Kill, kill, kill!

Brown Sabbath committed a major cover band faux pas: they are technically better musicians than the band that they are portraying. Opps! Brown Sabbath actually kick some ass. As Julian Cope would say: “Uh, right on!”

Their second major flaw is their refusal to cover any of the Ronnie James Dio era Black Sabbath. This is Sacrilege! Blasphemy! Everyone knows, deep down in their heart, that Sabbath wasn’t truly “metal” until the almighty Dio joined their ranks. Come on, nothing from the “Heaven or Hell” album? Hell, I would’ve settled with any track off the “Dehumanizer”album. Gimme a break!

On a side note: how come every starts cover bands for the huge bands, like Ozzy-era Black Sabbath or the Misfits? How come no one ever starts cover bands for slightly lesser known groups with better songs like: The Jam, Samhain, Carcass, Winger, Poison or Napalm Death? (Okay, okay, I threw in Napalm Death as a joke, but you catch my drift. )

The best line from the entire evening was when the singer, between songs, made a joke about how if we all lined up after the show, the band will give everyone blow jobs. My landlord replied:”Oh, are you going to give us Ozzy Osbourne blow jobs where you will bite off the head, like he did with the bat?” Ouch, what a zinger! Wish I had thought of it.

jareddriskill

Babyshambles, Pipettes, David McAlmont

BabyShambles

Janie Jones cd single /The Blinding e.p.

Strummerville Records/Capitol Records

            For the life of me, I have never understood why people worship the Clash as if they were some sort of god-like deity. To me, the Clash were just an okay band that had recorded exactly 3 and half okay songs. “Janie Jones” sure ain’t one of them!  Not even the “reunion” between Carl Barat and Pete Doherty (sort of) on this CD single could not get me interested at all.

            On to The Blinding e.p. Now this sounds much better, Pete, my old boy! My only complaint is that The Blinding is only a 5 song mini album. I suppose Pete Doherty just didn’t have it within himself to take the heroin needle out of his arm long enough to record more songs and make me happy.

The Pipettes

We Are The Pipettes

Memphis Industries LTD.

            If McAlmont and Butler were the perfect synthesis of indy rock and 1960’s Motown, then, The Pipettes are the Supremes of that unique fusion. The songs are short, fun and catchy, the way they should be. The domestic release of this album comes out this summer, but you can find an import copy rather cheap if you want to avoid the rush and be way ahead of the coolness curve. If, that is, that sort of thing matters to you.

David McAlmont

Set One- You Go To My Head

Blueport Records

            The McAlmont and Butler front man has just done did an album of his favorite jazz, soul and R&B songs. If he were alive back in the 1950’s-1960’s people would talk about David McAlmont as one of the “greats” like Marvin Gaye and Sam Cooke. Yes, I think he’s that good. Sadly, no domestic release, so you are going to have to buy this as an import if you want to hear it. Or pry my copy out of my cold dead hands.

Stuck In Traffic (update.)

I found out the cause of the major traffic jam that I wrote about the other day. It turns out that a state trooper stopped on the side of the highway so he could remove a tire that was laying in one of the lanes of traffic. However he wasn’t paying attention and was hit and killed by a speeding 18 wheeler.

Now I feel terrible for yelling “I sure hope someone had died, because this is fucking ridiculous!” out the window at the state trooper who was directing traffic at the accident scene. Great! Now I’m the asshole!

Live and learn. Live and learn.

jareddriskill

cain and able

I stopped by a convenience store the other day at work to get something cold to drink and when I walked in, I noticed that behind the counter that the two Indian guys who ran the place were in the midst of mortal combat. ( Finish him!)

One guy had the other in a choke hold while the other guy was flopping around and trying to flail at the first guy with whatever he could get his hands on from the counter. They were both shouting at each other in their natural local dialect, the Punjab province, I believe.

I stood there for a good 30-40 seconds when the guy placing the choke hold on the other finally noticed me and said “It’s okay! He’s my brother!” You know, as if that is a perfectly legit excuse for trying to murder someone.

I did what any other respectable person would’ve done. I turned around without saying a single word and left.

jareddriskill

stuck in traffic

You know when you are stuck in a traffic jam, please don’t drive on the shoulder of the road just to get ahead of me, you asshole. Nothing is THAT important that will require me to get more pissed off at you.

There is a special place in hell reserved for you, this I am sure. Another thing, I bet you didn’t know that god and I are real tight, it’s true, and he tells me he won’t forgive you of this trespass if you ever commit it.

However, the best cure for getting over the frustration of being stuck in traffic is to listen to “Two Nuns and Pack Mule” by Steve Albini’s old band, Rapeman. I keep a permanent copy in my car for this very reason. There’s nothing that can put your insignificant, minor life problems into perspective better than listening to music that’s angrier and more pissed off than you are.

jareddriskill

My Bloody Valentine’s “Loveless”

I was trying to describe the “Loveless” album by My Bloody Valentine to a friend today and I accidentally came up with what could be the best possible description for that album ever: “It will melt your brain instantly.”

It’s a whole lot better than the “cds are circular and cassettes are rectangular and that’s the only thing that Loveless has in common with other music” quote I read in a review once or the ad I saw in guitar player magazine: “they made the album, now all you have to do is listen to it!”

Yeah, “It will melt your brain instantly” almost pretty accurate. However, it stil falls wide of the mark. Loveless is one of those albums that defies description. Which is why, in my opinion, it is the second greatest album ever made after “Reproduction” by the Human League.

jareddriskill

“Brent Loses His Keys”

It was just another typical weekday morning for Brent. He hit the snooze button and then buried his face in his pillow in the vain hope that suffocation will grant him a few extra moments of precious sleep.

However, the power of sleep is rendered useless as the buzz of his alarm clock faintly echoes in his ears. Deciding to no longer to delay the inevitable, Brent slowly got out of bed.

In the shower, as per his morning routine, Brent built up the confidence he needed to finally ask his boss for an overdue pay raise. As always, any confidence he had built up was lost the exact moment he started to dress for yet another day uneventful day in the office.

After eating breakfast (a dry bowl of cheerios, Brent forgot to buy some milk after work, again.) Brent made a mental note to buy some milk after work and his morning ritual was almost complete as he reached for his id badge, wallet and key chain off his dresser table.

This is where Brent’s typical morning had ended. His fragile existence is shaken to its very core when he feels a sharp spasm of terror when he realized his keys were missing.

A frantic search of his tiny house yielded no results. Brent paced back and forth in his bed room as his mind raced to cover all the possibilities of the location of his keys. When the probable explanations or locations were exhausted, his mind came up with the most irrational locations. “Did I somehow drop them in the tank of the toilet?” No.

“Ah, how about that space between the kitchen wall and behind the refrigerator?” Nothing was there, except but a half inch layer of dust.

Each consecutive search of his house proved to be inconclusive as the first. The anxiety of an uncertain near future swirled and overwhelmed Brent’s thoughts as he sat down on the edge of his unmade bed.