Posted by: jareddriskill on: February 10, 2010
Item! Yes, I’m among the several dozen who apparently didn’t watch the Superbowl last Sunday. Actually that’s a bit of a half truth I was out eating with my fiancée and the game was on in the background. But having no emotional or financial (i.e. made any illegal wagers at the office) based on the game I could have cared less about the outcome. However, I was upset that I could only see Zac Starkey rocking out with the Who at the halftime show because the volume control on the television at the restaurant we were eating at was broken. He really is an excellent drummer.
There’s always Youtube, I guess.
Item! The bad thing about working in an office full of mostly women is the monday morning “what was your favorite Superbowl commercial” conversation by the water cooler. As stated above, when you could careless about football or the Superbowl (or the commercials for that matter) the easy way out of the enviable conversation about which commercial was your favorite is to say that you liked the one with the dog or the kid ( there’s usually one commercial featuring a dog or a kid during the Superbowl as I have come to find out over the years.)
The effect is two fold. First: most women love dogs and kids so you can appear to be sensitive and ”with it” instead of being exposed as the social imbecile that you actually are. Second: it sure beats avoiding the water cooler and slowly becoming slowly dehydrated throughout the course of the day.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: February 3, 2010
Item! Whenever I see dirty snow, steel grey skies and dirty architecture it puts me in the mood to listen to some Suede. (Of course I just mentioned 75% of the bands lyrical content, I neglected to mention in my list both the horrors of heroin usage and the state of romance in the nuclear age. Go figure.)
Item! Speaking of Suede, they just announced an one-off reunion gig in a few months. If I had the money I would definitely go see them. Damn me and my lack of ability to transform my talents (or lack thereof, as many of my faithful reading several would attest) into monetary gain. What’s fucking wrong with me!?!?!
Item! The new Miss America hails from the commonwealth (it’s not a state, mind you) of Virginia. *yawn* Does anyone care?
Item! I took my kitty, parisdriskill, to the vet for her first exam the other weekend and the vet, with no irony whatsoever, said that parisdriskill is in “purr-fect’ health. All I could do in response was to roll my eyes and hope for death. What was it about this bad pun that made a large swarth of my heart wither and die forever?
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 30, 2010
Yes, you know you truly stuck indoors during a terrible snowstorm when you finally break down and watch Twilight with your fiancé. And yes, my suspicions about this film were correct: Vampires are sort of gay.
However, Officespace is still funny after all these years ( it’s still hard for me to believe that the late 90’s are now considered “back in the day”) even though all the cussing and had been overdubbed for daytime basic cable viewing.
They say that the way to a man heart is through his stomach. If this is indeed the case, then my fiancé used the autobahn with the wonderful tuna casserole she made for lunch. Yum!
more later,
jareddriskill
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 27, 2010
Item! Lots of good news this week. I’m as giddy as a school girl. Not that I would know from personal experience or anything…
Item! I got engaged this past weekend to the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. ( That would be a certain Ms. Leasha Carey if any of you had any doubts about who I was talking about.) This is not a hoax, dream or imaginary story!
Now, the odds of me dieing alone in a gutter somewhere clutching my entire life savings, which will happen to be stashed inside an old Mcdonalds take out bag, has drastically decreased ten million fold. If anyone out there among my faithful reading several who says that I just happened to describe the perfect analogy for being married, they will be shot on sight.
Item! In not quite as important news, Gorillaz released the first single,”Stylo,” off of their upcoming album, “Plastic Beach.” Yeah, I downloaded it a week ago when it leaked on the internet (I’m such a dastardly criminal, you know) but, the track is so kick ass that I ended up buying a legal copy anyway.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 25, 2010
I was working with one of my clients last week while “Between The Sheets” by the Isley Brothers was playing on the radio. (Yes, even though I know that my clients have enough problems on their own, I still mercilessly subject them to classic soul and r&b music during the day.)
Anyway I was singing some lyrics from the Notorious B.I.G. track “Big Poppa” over the Isley Brothers track because “Big Poppa” sampled heavily (i.e. stole the entire backing track) from “Between The Sheets.” While singing the line “she’s having my baby, baby” IC, one of my clients, leaned back in his chair, interlocked his fingers and rested his hands on his enormous buddha like belly and looked up in the air like some pompous medieval king and proclaimed ” yeah. that takes me back in da day… in the 1990’s.”
After laughing for about five minutes at IC’s apparently ridiculous sounding statement, I realized that indeed there has been an entire decade inbetween the 1990’s and 2010. Holy fuck, I’m fucking old.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 22, 2010
Yes, I admit it: I’ve been too lazy to write lately because, damnit, my hip has been bothering me. I’m too sore from hobbling around like a purebred dog all day long to think of anything funny-ish lately. (In fact, the purebred dog joke in the previous sentence was lifted from my hero, Stephen Usery. Oh, why me!?!)
Come to think of it, my bum hip makes my conversion from a bitter, lonely young man into a bitter, lonely old man that much closer to completion. I own a cat that I needlessly spoil, I wear black socks with shorts, I blast the heat in my home up to uncomfortable levels (yesterday the thermostat in my apartment read 83 degrees,) I shake my fist in the air furtively at people who cut me off in traffic and I go to bed every night praying for the sweet release that only death can bring me. And I do not regret a single moment of it.
Normal service will return shortly.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 16, 2010
I dreamt I went back to my old place only to find out that the neighborhood that old home was in was demolished in secret while everyone was at work one day (throughout the dream, people were coming home from work and boy, were they pissed to find their homes where no longer there!) and some developer bought the land and was going to build luxury homes on it. I was pissed off because I had left some “important items” back at the house and now I couldn’t retrieve them. (What these important items were or why they seemed so important to me was not explained at all during the dream.)
After a few minutes of lamenting, I realized that it was a dream and that in real life, I did not leave any items of any importance behind when I moved to my new digs. Once I made this realization in my dream, I just couldn’t give a fuck about some imagined items anymore.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 15, 2010
1. Bowls of cereal. Heaven help the poor soul that tries to eat a bowl of cereal around parisdriskill. For they will find out that they will get annoyed to death until she gets to lick the milky residue left in the bowl when you are done. It doesn’t matter what type of cereal it is (I prefer Wheat Chex, but I did have a box of Honey Smacks at one point) but parisdriskill is hell bent on getting her share. I made the mistake of trying to sit down while eating cereal but parisdriskill jumps on my lap and put her paws on the edge of my bowl and peer over the edge of the bowl like those “Kilroy Was Here” cartoons from the 1940s.
Now, in order to eat a bowl of cereal in peace, I have to stand in the middle of the floor and eat it while standing up. What have I wrought?
2. Peeing on my bed. I have no idea where parisdriskill developed this nasty habit in the past two days from, but it ends today, damn it! The trips to the laundromat to wash my bedding are already getting expensive.
However, I fixed her wagon by buying a sheet of plastic and draping it over the bed while I am not using it. And if that doesn’t work, this new feature may be a very short lived one.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 15, 2010
The past 18 months or so have been devastating. It seems that we keep losing our best talents (i.e. Bernie Mac, Michael Jackson) to deaths icy cold grasp while us mere mortals that are left behind in this mortal vale of tears have no new talent among us rising to occasion and take their place. And this week we lost another great in Teddy Pendergrass.
What can I say about Teddy Pendergrass that hasn’t been said better elsewhere from showing up Harold Melvin while singing in the Blue Notes, to becoming the premiere r&b singer of his time to becoming an inspiration after his automobile wreck which left him paralyzed? (I always thought that the critics barbs of Teddy having lost power in his voice after his accident was dirty and underhanded. Try losing the use of your legs and still maintain such high quality of work sometime. And without becoming bitter about it, I might add.)
I think we should follow the instructions Teddy sang in the opening of one of his best songs: “Turn out the lights and light a candle.” However, the reason why we will now burn a candle shall be out of respect and celebration of a life well lived. We shall miss you, Teddy.
jareddriskill
Posted by: jareddriskill on: January 10, 2010
Why doesn’t someone just go ahead and kill them all?!?!
jareddriskill
